Tag Archives: NYC

making changes

Anaïs Nin: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”

Changing is difficult; taking risks; going down a new path.  Familiar misery feels safer than the unknown leap into something we desire.

At times, it is difficult to really see ‘why’ is nothing changing “even though I desire it so?”.  One difficulty is that an individual looks at the horizon, their goal or destination but then does not look at where their feet are planted, nor do they take the next step.   All these inspirational messages are for naught when we cannot apply them to our own lives.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step”.  Hmm – how does this relate to my own complicated life?  This sounds sweet, but my situation is unique.   The distance between the present and the destination appears insurmountable.  I’m different.  Or worse yet, I’m not different, I’m just a loser, a dreamer that won’t get anywhere.  I know better, but still I don’t do it.

Looking at this through a ‘cognitive -behavioral’ perspective, how you look at yourself and the steps you need to take is what ultimately helps or hinders you.  The most common reasons that an individual doesn’t take the ‘first’ or the ‘next’ step are:

it’s not enough

I need to do more than that

If it’s already months/years later and you are still saying the same thing to yourself, it’s time to look at this more closely.  It’s time to turn this around and do it even though you don’t think it’s enough.  Make the step so easy, that you know that you could do it with your eyes closed.  So small, that when you’re done, you feel like taking more steps.  Don’t!  But you already know the drill.  You then burn yourself out, and stop altogether.  Keep things slow and steady; take it very slow and keep it easy.

For every step forward – you will still have to contend with your self esteem and self confidence that will start clamoring for you to go back to bed or to do more than you planned.

Making changes is difficult; one cannot do this alone – if you could, you probably wouldn’t be reading this right now.  It’s important to get others involved in the changes you want to make.  Sometimes it’s good to get someone outside of your primary support network.  Sometimes they may have their own stakes in whether or not you change.  Getting involved in a support group with others who are trying to make similar changes is one way to expand your network of support.  Getting a therapist is another.

What changes have you been wanting to make?   Do you keep making the same plan over and over again, expecting it to be different this time?  Do you stop yourself before you even start?  It’s time to turn to the sun and unfurl your petals.

 

alone again, naturally

This is not a post adressing suicidal thoughts.  If you feel like you are going to hurt yourself, please talk to someone or take yourself to the nearest ER.

The song is about loss: being left at the altar, the mother dying, father dying, relationships ending and being alone.  But the critical word, I believe, is ‘naturally’.  The idea that you are alone again, – of course, what else is there for me; I’m forever destined to be alone.

http://youtu.be/D_P-v1BVQn8

How we perceive an event and the reason things happen to us is one of the centerpieces of our mental health.  If I think that I’m doomed to be alone for the rest of my life, no matter what I do – I’ll be pretty depressed, including feeling helpless and hopeless about it to boot.

It’s important to look at the themes of your perceptions of yourself, about life, about ‘why’ things happen to you to see more clearly what you bring to the table of your life.  Once you identify those themes, you can work on changing your perceptions, changing the possibilities of ‘why’ certain things occur in your life.  Who knows to what bountiful horizons you could point yourself towards!

This is hard to do alone.  Therapy is one tool that can help you out of outgrown mis-perceptions.

i will survive

This song is the mantra for many people who grew up in that era and thereafter.  I remember being on the dancefloor where there was always someone crying while dancing, yelling out the lyrics to the song, possbily after one beer too many.  Songs help people identify their emotions, express them and hopefully move on.  This is definitely a ‘I have moved on’ song.  Or more precisely, ‘I’ve moved on, but you seem to think that I will take you back’.

http://youtu.be/ZBR2G-iI3-I

Sometimes, we hold on to our anger or resentment long after the event has passed.  A person may stay stuck in the grief or the anger of the event that occurred.  It could be death, the end of a relationship, or another significant change that the individual has a hard time accepting.  Maybe there are others around this individual who say ‘get over it’ or ‘move on’ or something else along those lines.  It seems that others don’t understand the pain involved, and it may seem impossible to move on.  This is where psychotherapy can help possibly identify what the block is to letting go and moving on.

Is there anything that you are holding on to?

practice makes progress

Practice makes progress.  You can aspire to perfect, possibly, but only if this aspiration does not leave you feeling like you are eternally falling short.  Self esteem and self confidence come from doing esteemable things.  Doing those things that you would admire yourself for if you were to do them regularly, if they were part of your identity.  What could those things be?  Having plants that live because you are able to take care of them.  Pets that thrive and are happy.  Calling people back.  Not gossiping.  Saying no when you want to say no.  Asking for what you need.  Asking for a raise.  Being a hard worker.  These are only a few.  Some are big and long term – like having a pet, and some involve less steps, but not necessarily less intense – like calling someone back.

The other aspect to this is that you may be very successful in one area of your life – you may be very successful on your job; or successful as a parent or very outgoing.   Sometimes people hang their hat on their strengths and avoid looking at their limitations.  Part of becoming well rounded – emotionally, physically and spiritually fulfilled – you need to look at the aspects of yourself that are not working for you.

Working on improving some aspect of yourself does not take away your successes or your strengths.  In fact, often times, your strengths are usually the source of your weakness when in a different context.   Take a look at your strengths and your limitations.  No matter what you may be thinking, you do have both.  Are you feeling emotionally, physically, and spiritually satisfied with what you are doing?

 

you owe me nothing in return

Alanis Morissette – You Owe Me Nothing In Return

This is someone’s YouTube posting of mostly the lyrics of the song.  I was not able to find an actual video made by Alanis Morissette.

This song is intended to be from one person to another.  The general message is to be able to love someone else unconditionally – which is great and is something to strive for.  It is also a message against those relationships where basically, one person is held hostage in the relationship through guilting, blaming and or shaming.

The reality though, is that we are all human beings struggling to do the right thing and always imperfectly.   We all have needs and if we come from a dysfunctional background, we have not learned how to appropriately get those needs met.  There is a healthy ‘give and take’ in relationships.  Sometimes expressing your own needs comes to be seen – by yourself, as well as possibly others around you, as being ‘selfish’.  The struggle is, basically, to come to an answer to the question ‘am I being selfish for wanting this?’  The idea of unconditional love gets distorted.  An individual can find themselves stuck in a bad situation due to this confusion and distortion of unconditional love versus setting limits on someone else’s behavior.

This is a difficult topic to address in one posting.  In terms of this song, I hear it as being from a higher power, not another human being.  Your higher power can love you, and does love you,  unconditionally.  No matter how you act or what you do, your higher power will accept you and forgive you.  Even while you experience the consequences of your behavior, it is not your higher power that is punishing you.  You can express yourself and ask for what you need to your higher power, and your higher power will respond.   This is guaranteed, although you may not always hear the answer, or like the answer, your higher power is there for you.

Can you set limits on someone’s behavior and still love them?   Where does the other person end and you begin?  Are you making another human being your higher power?